Haven't logged here for quite some time... It's been real crazy... Things I had to do in my mom's hometown. That's where I was when I learned I was pregnant. Knew I couldn't keep the child. It's the worst thing I could ever do. Worst thought I could ever think of. But its what needs to be done. I'd rather suffer the sin of murder than subject an innocent soul to a life of uncertainty. And at the same time I cannot give my daughter of 6 months anything less. I can't imagine what it's gonna be like for her, celebrating her 1st birthday while I'm giving birth in some hospital... Right now I'm not even sure if I could give her the life she deserves, but I could at least try... I could at least give her all the attention that she needs, if not the stuff she deserves to be having. I couldn't even afford getting her the vaccination that she's due for. She's long overdue for 4 shots already, and they're about to pile up. I try not to be depressed but I can't help it. Especially now that I've been laid off... I've never been more scared in my whole life. My savings are slowly depleting and its a cause of alarm. The Goddess has always looked upon me with mercy, and she has always been kind to me... I hope she never tires. I pray for her mercy this month... May the phone start ringing... I need that job...

Today

And today you tell me how much you love me
That you would want to make me feel just how much before you die
That you feel guilty for not being able to do so now
I would have had loved to hear this months back
When the hunger for you is so intense that feeding it makes it even worse
But now all that I'm left with is doubts
I don't know if I should believe you
And I don't know if you even believe your own words
Might it be that you just wish to do the right thing?
That you just wish to make it right with me,
And not be necessarily as in love with me as you think you are?
I sometimes wish I would have the strength to leave you
So you could figure this out all on your own
You need desperately to solve your own puzzle for us to start making sense
I need for you to want this, as much as you love me.

Still Waiting

For so many times I have told myself I can't anymore. For so many times I have said it's over. Better leave things unexplained and unknown than try to find out and struggle to understand. I have told myself, I better let go. Better for my health, better for my heart, better for my soul. And yet each time you pull me back, just when I was all set to leave you. Each time you would ask me not to go, reason with me, fight with me. And when you do, I feel I can hold on forever, wait for an eternity, if the waiting could be this good...

Then again comes the doubts, the fear, the worries. You've done this in the past. How is my heart to listen to my soul and not my fears? How does one quiet the mind, when it has been the one at work for the longest time? Why did it have to be you, You who can't be with me. You who couldn't be ready? Why must I love you? Why you?

But how can I not? When you could make me feel that I'm the reason for your changing. How can I not love someone who would beg me to stay? I never loved you for a reason. How can I not love you now that there's more of a reason?